The Perfect Partner
What
makes for a good, lasting relationship?
Wouldn't we all love to have the magic formula for
that one! Unfortunately there's no handy
one-size-fits-all approach to relationships that
works for everyone, exhortations of the
"pray-together-stay-together" crowd or Dear
Abby notwithstanding. But there are some things
which you and your partner can take into
consideration to improve your odds of achieving
happiness. If you're planning to spend a large
portion of your life with someone in particular, take
a little time first to ask yourselves some questions.
INTERESTS...
What interests do we share? It is important for
people who plan to share their lives to have things
they enjoy doing together. The interests may be
common (e.g., both partners like the same
kinds of art, literature, music, or sports) or
complementary (e.g., one partner has a
gourmet palate, and the other loves whipping up
exotic dishes).
Do we have any
interests which are not shared? Having
a few separate interests is almost as important as
having things in common. No matter how in love
you and your partner may be, it is impossible for two
people to spend every waking moment of their lives
together doing the same things, and still remain
sane. Each partner should have things he or she
enjoys doing without the other sometimes, either
alone or with others. An occasional temporary
change of scenery—and faces—can have a most
refreshing effect on a long-term relationship.
Do we have any
conflicts which cannot be resolved? These,
especially if they are of a highly emotional nature,
can wear away at even the strongest bonds of
love. Can we agree on financial
questions? Are there any irreconcilable
differences in matters of philosophy, politics,
religion or sex? Do we agree on whether (as
well as when) to have children, and on how they ought
to be reared? Are our personal career goals
compatible with what we expect from our relationship?
FEELINGS... How do I feel about my
"significant other"? Of course we
love each other, but do we like each other;
are we friends? Am I comfortable when
we're together, and do I feel free to be
myself? Am I confident of my partner's love
when we're apart? Does it seem that frankness
strengthens our relationship, or does it represent a
threat? Do I trust my partner with my innermost
thoughts and feelings? (It is normal to have a
few personal secrets that don't pertain to your
partner; but you should feel free to communicate
anything that has a direct bearing on your
relationship.) How does my partner make me feel
about myself? Does he or she trust and respect
me? Does he or she make me feel needed and
wanted, or just used? When my partner pays me a
compliment, does it come from the heart, or is it
only a tool for manipulation? If he or she
offers criticism, is it constructive or disparaging?
PERSONALITIES
AND ATTITUDES... Are our attitudes
compatible? Do we function as a team in our
relationship, or do we often find ourselves competing
for control? Were there any major differences
in the way we were brought up? (Attitudes
ingrained during childhood tend to stay with you the
rest of your life; incompatibility here could spell
trouble.)
GOALS...
Do we agree on what we want from our
relationship? Are our objectives short- or
long-term? Friendship? Romance?
Marriage? Family? Growing old
together? As relationships develop, the
objectives change. People grow together, but
they can also grow apart. The important thing
here is to be sure that you and your partner stay in
touch with each other on any new developments.
It's very frustrating for one partner to be dreaming
of a life-long commitment, only to learn that the
other places an overriding priority on career, or is
yearning to "play the field."
FAMILIES...
Some families are more tightly structured than
others. If you contemplate marrying into a
closely knit unit with long "family
traditions," you may have to apply these same
questions not only to your partner, but to his or her
entire clan as well.
PREVIOUS
RELATIONSHIPS... If you are going to devote
your life to someone, that "someone" needs
to feel that he or she is uppermost in your
thoughts. That does not mean you must give up
fond memories of people who have been a major part of
your past; those memories are an inseparable part of
you. But you must be willing to put your
present partner ahead of everyone else. Nothing
is as tiresome as someone who constantly talks about
"the way Mom / Dad / John / Mary did this or
that." You are not ready for a new
commitment if you have not yet dealt with the old
ones. Above all, do not make any permanent
commitments if you are in the process of
"rebounding" from a failed
relationship! Nothing is as shaky as a
partnership founded on desperation. It is okay
to seek out friends in times of loss. But
before making any long-term decisions, wait until the
dust settles and you have your feelings back under
control.
A
SUGGESTION... Before making a permanent
commitment, stand back and take a good, hard look at
yourself, at your partner, and at the way you
function together as a couple. If you are
completely honest in the evaluation, there are bound
to be some noticeable flaws. But personal
relationships are never perfect. To some degree
every relationship is a compromise; people who demand
perfection in a partner are doomed to either
frustration or loneliness. Examine your
relationship—warts and all—and decide
whether you can live with whatever faults it may
have. What you see is what you get: Do
not count on either person's changing to meet the
other's idea of perfection. In most cases, any
forced changes will not be permanent. Instead,
ask yourself whether you are flexible enough to
accept things as they are.
REMEMBER...
Real love isn't blind; it's just tolerant, patient,
and forgiving.
=SAJ=