QUAYLE QUOTEZ
(with quotes generously provided by Mary Rolfe)

Since, as Vice President, he first became a national figure as "impeachment insurance" for President George Bush Sr., James Danforth Quayle has distinguished himself by setting new standards of imbecility in government and raising ignorance to the level of an art-form.  He has repeatedly demonstrated his extraordinary incompetence in a broad array of elementary fields, including geography, government, history, language, mathematics, and science (not to mention spelling).  Indeed, Mr. Quayle's remarkable record so far leads one to wonder whether there is even one field in which he might actually be considered marginally able.  Following are some of his most memorable statements, collected from a number of sources.

Most visitors to this web site are sufficiently intelligent and educated that they needn't have the humor of these quotes explained to them.  But for any who cannot fathom what the laughter is about, to the »right» of the quotes are clarifying remarks in terms simple enough that perhaps even Mr. Quayle himself could understand.

Though we might shudder at the thought of such a mind only a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in the world, we have to love a fellow like Dan Quayle.  He's one of those bumbling buffoons who has the special gift of making people laugh, even when he doesn't intend to.  He has a Teflon brain; nothing sticks, and it wipes clean in a flash.  It is absolutely astounding that he has somehow managed to get through umpteen years of school without learning a goddamn thing.  It would seem that the only subject which he has mastered is "gobbledygook" — the art of running words and phrases together to give the illusion of saying something — a talent without much practical value in the real world, but often advantageous in the fields of advertising, politics, religion, and perhaps in some areas of corporate middle-management.

Dan Quayle is unique.  He's soft-spoken, yet he's the life of the party.  He's like one of The Three Stooges; beside him everyone else — even Pat Buchanan — looks like a genius.  (At least Pat's head is filled with a semi-organized mix of misinformation and nonsense, whereas Dan's appears to contain only random chaotic bits adrift in a vacuum.)  Whenever Quayle opens his mouth, it's almost an even bet that his foot will find its way into that cavity in short order.  He does the intellectual equivalent of running into doors, falling downstairs, slipping on banana peels, and charging purposefully into broom closets, all the while never seeming to do himself harm or embarrassment — or if he does, at least never having the sense to realize it.  Dan Quayle is a real-life cartoon character!

But while such people can be great fun, and maybe even lovable, they must be kept in their place and prevented from engaging in certain activities, for the safety of all concerned.  No one in his right mind, for example, would ask Dan Quayle to fix a car or help install a water heater; that would be asking for grief, and maybe even a trip to the hospital.  Hell, you can't even trust him to type a single-page letter to Mom without having to correct his spelling for him.  Most importantly, an air-head like Quayle should never be placed in any position of power or trust, where his actions might affect normal people in any way.  Let's face it:  That would be like handing a hammer and nails to a three-year-old and telling him to go entertain his baby sister.

The fact that a complete ignoramus like Dan Quayle manages to survive in our competitive society without going on the dole is a puzzle.  That he somehow managed to wangle a diploma without learning anything is downright disturbing.  It's enough to cause some poor honest kid, who's knocking himself out studying for a school exam, to throw up his hands in disgust and run away to join the Young Republicans.  But what is truly frightening is that a majority of the voters in the state of Indiana actually chose Dan Quayle to serve as their voice in the U.S. Senate.  And not to be outdone, the American electorate subsequently placed him in the Vice Presidency—a heartbeat away from being Commander-in-Chief of the world's most powerful armed force.  Let's think about this: who would want their son, daughter, or spouse to be in the American military, with decisions concerning their life or death resting with—you know whom?  Yet we'd vote for him because he has a pretty smile, makes empty references to "family values," and makes us laugh?  Time for a reality check!

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