Ruminations - Telemarketing

From talking with others, I gather that I am not the only person who objects to telemarketing, an insufferable annoyance akin to door-to-door peddling and street-corner panhandling. But despite widespread public objection to the practice, some businesses seem determined to pursue it. So how should we respond?

Since most telemarketers work from prepared scripts, it is only appropriate that we, their targets, be correspondingly equipped to respond in kind.

Target:	Hello?
Telemarketer:	Hello, Mr. / Mrs. _____! My name is Jason / Tiffany, and I represent the XYZ Company...
Target:	Would you repeat the name of the company, please?
Telemarketer:	The XYZ Company. I would like to interest you...
Target:	Just a moment. Would you spell that for me, please?
Telemarketer:	X ... Y ... Z ... C ... o ...
Target:	Okay, I'm just checking it against my list of telemarketing calls for the past year. I have to determine whether I should file a complaint against XYZ for telephone harassment, or just cross out their listing in my phone book. Now, what do you want?
Telemarketer:	I would like to interest you in our new line of...
Target:	I have no interest in doing business with any company, whose inept management feels that annoying potential customers by interrupting their normal activities is a great idea.
Telemarketer:	I'm sorry if I bothered you. This is a courtesy call...
Target:	Intruding upon people's time and attention is never a "courtesy."
Telemarketer:	We have a great offer...
Target:	So advertise it in the newspaper, as respectable businesses do. Does XYZ have reason to assume that its potential customers are illiterate?
Telemarketer:	We'll have a field representative in your neighborhood tomorrow...
Target:	Thanks for the tip. I'll be sure my pellet gun is loaded and ready.
Telemarketer:	Could we at least mail you some information?
Target:	You could easily have done that initially, and I might even have looked at the advertising. But at this juncture it would be pointless. The fact that this call has distracted me from important matters has already removed any possibility that I might do business with XYZ.
Telemarketer:	But this is a deal you can't afford to ignore...
Target:	Here's a deal you can't afford to ignore: You get your supervisor to make sure my phone number is immediately placed on your permanent "don't call" list, and I will refrain from suing XYZ.
Telemarketer:	But wait, I need to...
Target:	It's nothing personal, Jason / Tiffany. I realize it is not your intent to annoy people; it is simply a requirement of your so-called job.
Telemarketer:	I don't see how you can turn down...
Target:	The fact that I choose not to do business with companies whose shoddy products and services must be peddled in this fashion is not your concern. But the fact that you choose to work for such a lame company probably ought to be. You ought to think seriously about seeking a real job if you're qualified, or getting qualified for one if you're not. Have a nice day — and don't ever call this number again!

It is important to bear in mind that the caller is probably just some poor youngster with no marketable skills, whose primary goal in life is just to make a few quick bucks to buy a pop CD or a Happy Meal. Naturally, these kids get a lot of abuse, both from their bosses and from many of the people they call. Telemarketing is a very frustrating, high-pressure, dead-end job. The poor schmucks manning the phones are simply the victims of a system that aggressively promotes abusive behavior. They need our encouragement to get real jobs and real lives, because most of them have probably never had either. But in the meantime, their employers need to get the clear message that annoying potential customers is far from the best way to attract business.