Why would any self-respecting person dress the way cyclists do?

It's no secret that today's bicycling attire tends to draw attention.  It's bizarre!  Do cyclists think it looks sexy?  Do they get a kick out of looking freaky, or the way the shoes make them walk like the Frankenstein monster?

Well, a few might wear bike garb for shock effect, or because they imagine it'll attract some kind of partner.  But this doesn't explain that it isn't just young kids or misfits wearing this "bizarre" gear.  Happily married cyclists wear the same stuff with no intention of attracting additional partners.  Older cyclists choose the same gear with no illusion that it'll restore their youth and attractiveness; indeed, it tends to emphasize, not hide, the ravages of age.  The reasons cyclists wear what they do are rooted, not in looks, but in function.

• First and most obvious, yes, it attracts attention.  But the purpose is not to shock and awe.  It's simply a matter of survival when competing for road space with vehicles many times the bicyclist's own size, mass, and power—vehicles whose drivers have other things on their minds: passing scenery, yakking on cell phones, stereo speakers blaring and thumping, misbehaving kids in the back seat, or one too many drinks for the road.  Highly reflective colors and contrasting patterns tend to grab the motorist's eye from a considerable distance, so the cyclist will be less likely to be ignored as the spatial gap between car and bike rapidly closes to (hopefully) no less than a meter or two.
   

• Second, cycling gear, from helmets to shoes, is light-weight.  Every unneeded gram saved is a gram less pressing down on the bones, tissues, and tires supporting the cyclist's weight, and a gram more of force that he or she can put to productive use in acceleration, climbing, cruising, and endurance.  A gram doesn't seem like much, but a few here and a few there accumulate.  You trim wherever you can, or at least wherever it's practical, convenient, and affordable.  Try climbing a flight of stairs carrying nothing, and then try climbing the same stairs carrying a couple of two-kilogram weights, and you'll begin to appreciate the cyclist's functional obsession with lightness.
   

• Third, cycling attire's highly flexible material bends and stretches with the cyclist's body, which is in almost constant motion.  Even before they're put on, the clothes are pre-curved to conform to the cyclists' normally seated position.  Because the clothing behaves mechanically almost like a second skin, there's much less friction from rubbing, chafing, and bunching, allowing the cyclist to ride comfortably for hours at a time.  The snug fit also reduces aerodynamic drag.  Conventional clothing is relatively heavy, baggy, and loose-fitting; it tends to catch the wind and do a lot of billowing and flapping, wasting a significant portion of the cyclist's energy and diverting it from making the bike move.  Cycling shorts and jerseys drastically reduce such effects.
   

• Fourth, the high-tech fabric is more porous than conventional clothing, and has a one-way wicking feature that helps draw sweat away from the skin and multiplies the area for the evaporation of moisture by the wind, thus improving the transfer of both moisture and excess body heat to the air.  Lycra and synthetic micro-fibers are far superior to cotton in using air flow to control both body temperature and surface moisture.
   

• Fifth, cycling shorts and pants have padding in the seat to help spread and cushion the pressure from sitting and pedaling for hour after hour.  This padding is also highly absorbent, in consideration of its being in contact with an area that, being perched on a bike saddle, experiences less air flow much of the time.
   

• Sixth, fingerless cycling gloves aren't intended to keep the hands warm, but to provide extra padding for leaning on the handlebars for long periods.  They also afford protection from abrasions in the event of a fall or contact with overgrown shrubbery—as well as a handy nose-wipe while cruising.
   

• Seventh, cycling shoes have features that improve performance on a bicycle.  The sole is rigid, allowing efficient transfer of the cyclist's energy to the pedals for climbing and speed, rather than wasting it in repeatedly flexing and unflexing the shoes and feet.  Bike shoe soles also have attachment features for cleats, which snap into specially designed pedals.  This cleat connection has two functions: (1) to keep the feet attached firmly to the pedals when cranking at high speeds, and (2) to allow double-action pedaling, so the cyclist can pull up on the pedal to the rear as well as push down on the one in front, thus splitting the work between two sets of muscles and greatly increasing climbing power on steep ascents.  (Cleats are released from the pedals by rotating the heels outward from the bike.)
   

• Last (but certainly far from least), is the helmet.  The most noticeable feature of modern cycling helmets is the copious venting to help keep the head cool.  (Note that it's to keep cool, not to look cool.  It's not a bonnet, to be shoved back, where it becomes functionally useless.  It's a helmet, to be worn forward on the head, protecting the parts of the cranium most most vulnerable to injury in an accident: the front and sides.)  Properly fitted and worn, a helmet dramatically reduces risk of head injury, debilitation, and death in an accident.  No, it probably won't save your life if you plow headlong into a utility pole at 50 kilometers an hour.  But in most cycling accidents, the main impact is vertical—from falling onto pavement or a curb with about the same force one would experience from simply toppling over from a standing position.  In a crash, most forward momentum is gradually dissipated by the sliding or rolling of the body once it's on the ground.  "Road rash" isn't pretty, but in most cases it's survivable, as long as the skull and its contents are adequately protected.  A helmet is literally a cyclist's best friend, inasmuch as it's designed to give up its own "life" to protect the rider's, by deforming and cracking to spread an impact force over a broad area and thus reduce the effective force per unit area on the skull.

Road cycling and off-road cycling emphasize somewhat different mixtures of demands, effects, and hazards.  Off-road cycling is typically a low-speed and often high-impact sport, whereas road cycling aspires to be relatively high-speed and zero-impact.  Thus, there are some design differences in the clothing appropriate to each (e.g., greater visibility and lighter weight for road cycling, versus greater impact protection for off-road cycling).  But the underlying physics and physiology are the same for both.

So, it turns out that bicyclists wear odd-looking, activity-oriented clothing for several good reasons having little to do with looks but much to do with safety, comfort, and performance.  These are the same reasons participants in other sports—basketball, football, hockey, horse- and auto-racing, skiing, swimming, and more—wear special, "weird looking" clothing to address the particular kinds of demands, effects, and hazards each sport imposes upon participants.

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